This morning we received a negative result.
It's so hard to write this post. After so many losses, and eight failed cycles, I feel like I am running up a hill trying to catch a baby carriage that just gets further and further away. When do you stop running?
I feel like I should be angry, but I'm not. I feel like I should hatch a plan, think about the next step, the next choice...I don't have the strength to be angry or to think anymore.
We need to stop for a while. Breathe for a while. Find ourselves and our joy and our happiness in being two (+ Maisy) for a while.
I have an emptiness inside of me that only a child can fill. I feel hollow inside and lost somehow. That pain will never go away...I know that. I just want to learn to live around it, like it's a piece of furniture in the room that you bump into once in a while. Right now, it's a great big ugly uncomfortable couch that takes up the whole space.
Well, I need to go back to my couch, my tears and my ice cream.
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14 comments:
I am so so sorry for your loss. I had a complete hysterectomy in my early twenties (including both ovaries) and know the pain of not being able to have children. I know it is no consultation now but someday it won't be the big couch anymore....maybe just a little side table. Ten years later I still sometimes long for a baby but my husband and I have a good life together so I am grateful. Cry and cry and cry and eat lots of ice cream and know that even though you don't know me I am praying for you both to find peace
Crap. I'm so sorry. I've been following your story and wishing the best for you.
It all just sucks sometimes.
Lisa and Bob,
I am so sorry to hear your news. I have been checking your blog daily and praying for a good result for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through.
I know it is of little comfort, but you are not alone. While I am a stranger to you, I have walked a few steps in your shoes.
Always cherish the love that the two of you have for each other, for it is your love that will give you strength and peace.
I am at a loss for words. I really thought this was the one for you. I am hear when/if you feel like talking. Sending big hugs your way,
All I can say is "IT SUCKS." I feel for you both and it hurts me to know how empty you are at this time. I only wish there was a way I could make things come out with a positive result. I love you both and honestly feel it will happen.
my heart is breaking for you. take the time you need to gather yourself. you are allowed to fall apart. this is a rollercoaster ride, only getting off is a lot more difficult. you and your husband will find an answer, but for now take care of yourselves and each other. you are in my thoughts.
I just discovered your blog and read the entire thing. I am SO sorry for the sadness and loss you are feeling. I have been there and remember that pain. My heart goes out to you and your husband!
Dear Lisa and Bob
I am crushed to hear your horrible news. I have no answers for you. Just please please please don't give up. Give yourself time to heal. This journey is so very much a numbers game. It WILL happen - you just have to wait a wee bit more.
I know you will have your baby in your arms.
Take time out to grieve and to eat as much ice-cream as you can.
You ARE going to be a mother, Do NOT quit.
Love and prayers
Amani xxx
Dear Lisa & Bob,
I'm so sorry to read about your loss. Take all of the time that you need to make your next decison. You still have a lot of options, and I know that something will work out for you both.
Crytal
Dear Lisa & Bob,
I'm so sorry to read about your loss. Take all of the time that you need to make your next decison. You still have a lot of options, and I know that something will work out for you both.
Crystal
I am so, so sorry. Life can be incredibly unfair sometimes :-(
I am so sorry for you both. I hope and pray that you do one day , get what you want and deserve.
Bob and Lisa,
Lisa and I are heartbroken for you. I am truly, deeply sorry that this try didn't take. Don't give up, don't give in. You two can and will do this. I have faith. You are in our prayers.
Brian and Lisa
Lisa and Bob,
I am also a stranger, and found your blog while researching surrogacy in India as we plan to go there in December to try for a baby. I too know the pain of empty arms and a house of two (plus a dog).
I am so sorry for you both. I will be praying for you and am confident you will know what the next step to take is once you grieve through this.
Jo
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