Happy Little Endings

Our eight year battle with infertilty has come to the (cutest little) end:

After traveling to countless clinics in the United States and several overseas, numerous attempts of surrogacy, donor eggs, donor embryos, etc... well, ironically the sweet baby girl that lights our world was born in Arkansas in October. Our little Regan came to us through domestic adoption and was welcomed into the world in a love filled room to Bob, me and her wonderful birthmom. She is a very well-loved little girl --the apple of her daddy's eye, her mommy's sweet girl and, of course, Maisy's BFF.

To those of you still fighting infertility for your child, I will say this: Please don't give up. Now that I am on the other side and I have experienced this love, I know I would do another eight years of hard time to get here. She was worth every second. Every. Single. Second.

Tagged

My friend and fellow blogger, Amani, tagged me. Her directions were to find my sixth picture folder and in that folder, the sixth picture. Then I needed to post it on my blog with some of the background of the picture.

So here it is, Bob and Maisy during Christmas 2007. Maisy is still a puppy in this picture, only three months old. Bob is 39 (He gets jealous if I don't talk about him).

Amani's request finally prompted me to tie up the loose end of this blog. It seems fitting that I am starting this post with a picture of my two loves.

So here's the update:

Maisy is older, smarter, funnier and has learned to fly. Well, seems to fly when she runs--she's so fast!! Her tricks and speed actually draw crowds when we play with her on the beach. We are planning on starting agility training for her this summer.

As for me, I am returning to school. After a lot of introspection, I decided it was time to start building a career that I will enjoy. I have spent so many years working towards being a mom that I haven't had the energy to grow any other aspects of my life. It's time to start flexing some different muscles.

Because we will be living off of one income, we have decided to move to a state where the cost of living is less expensive. Bob works from home, so we are very lucky to have this choice. We have spent the last few months visiting different colleges in states of choice and have finally made a decision. We are looking forward to embracing these new changes!

And finally, Bob is planning on a lot more golfing since our new home state is renowned for it's courses!

Bob and I have decided not to pursue surrogacy any further at this point. We still have 7 snowbabies in India, but have been greatly discouraged by years of negative results with our embryos. Also, the expenses involved with surrogacy in India seemed to have become much larger and somehow more vague. Truth be told, after that last negative, we felt closure with this path. We plan, at some point, to return to India and transfer the remaining embryos to my uterus. We will continue to try to be parents, just not through surrogacy. Since this blog is called "Surrogacy in India," I think it would be strange use it as a medium for blogging our next path.

Bob and I loved our trips to India. We have met so many people and will always treasure these relationships.

Finally, we want to wish all of those Intended Parents luck who are just starting their journey, and congratulations to all of you who are expecting and those of you with beautiful new babies!

Gone Fishing!

Thank you all for your heartfelt posts, phone calls and support. I can't tell you how less alone in my sadness it has made me feel. To have so many understand and reach out is a real comfort to us.

We have seven frozen embryos in India. Those embryos are frozen in two 'straws'; three in one and four in the other. The plan is to defrost one straw, determine how many embryos made it through the thaw and then make the decision to defrost the other or not. Essentially, we could have two shots at a frozen embryo cycle, or just one.

We have decided to wait a while to do those transfers. Bob and I started our journey in January 2004 with an ectopic pregnancy and it seems like it has been a non-stop slide through treatments since. We need to have a bit of healing before we undertake more.

I am thirty-six years old as of this September. We have always felt this time pressure to beat the biological clock. Since we will not consider any further cycling after these frozen embryo cycles, we don't feel the rush anymore. The embryos are there, my egg quality doesn't matter anymore. Time is our friend again and we can enjoy the luxury, so we are going to hang up our "Gone Fishing" sign and relax for a bit.

There is an extremely new board that has been started for those of you interested in researching a trip of your own to India to pursue a surrogacy. I will be on that board answering questions and supporting others in their journey. The link is http://surrogacyindia.forum5.com/index.php?mforum=surrogacyindia.

Thank you and we will post again when we decide to move forward.

We're Crying...Again

This morning we received a negative result.

It's so hard to write this post. After so many losses, and eight failed cycles, I feel like I am running up a hill trying to catch a baby carriage that just gets further and further away. When do you stop running?

I feel like I should be angry, but I'm not. I feel like I should hatch a plan, think about the next step, the next choice...I don't have the strength to be angry or to think anymore.

We need to stop for a while. Breathe for a while. Find ourselves and our joy and our happiness in being two (+ Maisy) for a while.

I have an emptiness inside of me that only a child can fill. I feel hollow inside and lost somehow. That pain will never go away...I know that. I just want to learn to live around it, like it's a piece of furniture in the room that you bump into once in a while. Right now, it's a great big ugly uncomfortable couch that takes up the whole space.

Well, I need to go back to my couch, my tears and my ice cream.

Coming Home!

We've been in Brighton and London for almost a week and will be traveling home tomorrow. We had a great time in the UK visiting with Bob's colleagues and seeing all the beautiful history and architecture, but we are tired and ready to sleep in our own bed.

It's been a week since transfer and we are on the edge of our seats to hear the results next week. When this was my own transfer, I'd cheat and do a home pregnancy test. No cheating when you have a surrogate! Last transfer with a surrogate, we'd had such poor embryos that we didn't have much hope. This is the longest two weeks of my life.

Sigh.

Over the moon!

Today we transferred four perfect little embryos to our surrogate. I can't believe it even as I type it.

I had slept terribly and had really prepared myself for awful fertilization results. What a shock!

Of our 15 eggs, 14 fertilized normally. We had 6 perfect embryos, four average embryos and the remaining four were slowing in growth. Those four slow ones are going to be watched for one more day in the hopes that they will get strong enough to freeze. We transferred four of our six perfect embryos to the surrogate and have frozen the remaining six embryos. I sat in the waiting room with our surrogate waiting for transfer; she showed me pictures of her family and her children. She was happy and smiling. I am really comfortable with her and her obvious willingness and happiness to carry a pregnancy.

I choked back tears when the doctors gave me the results and have cried off and on all afternoon because I am so thrilled. When Bob and I decided to come back to India to try again, it was because we didn't think our first try was a fair try. We had such lousy fertilization that first time, it really hurt. I think deep down I believed it would happen again. No matter what the result of that pregnancy test, the honest truth is that my mind will be at ease that we were able to try our best! After years of infertility, every little victory is something to enjoy.

We are over the moon and can't wait until our pregnancy test. It's going to be a long two weeks, but it's in God's hands now.

When's the last time your doctor made a housecall?

Today Bob took the bus to Pune. Ajit drove him to the bus station, and, because the access roads in Mumbai were flooded, it took two hours to get to the bus stop! Bob was so excited to take the bus and to see the rains. He took loads of pictures, which we will post when he returns.

When I first heard of monsoon season, I thought of packing rain gear and umbrellas and proper shoes. I thought how awful for the people with the flooding and inconveniences in such a crowded, hectic city. The opposite is actually true: Indian people love the rainy season. We see it referred to as the 'romantic rains' in the paper. I guess it's equivalent to our winters in the US. You love the snow and that beautiful white blanket that covers everything; you think of curling up by a roaring fire and drinking hot chocolate, but you still resent driving to work in it! Dr. Yashodhara described the oceanfront at Nariman point here and how the local people will go and sit and wait to be washed over by an ocean wave in the high tides. She said couples sit hand in hand, families gather and the vendors sell treats like corn on the cob. She said it is beautiful and I could see by the look on her face that she was feeling warm and fuzzy inside just describing it. She said that everyone goes out and dances and celebrates in the rain during the first downpour. Monsoon season is truly a special time in India.

I was not feeling so well today. I have had my share of egg retrievals over the years and I am feeling particularly bloated and just generally sore. The doctors have called me several times throughout the day to make sure that I am okay. When I voiced to Dr. Yash that I wasn't feeling great, she insisted on coming to the hotel to check on me. Both she and Dr. Sudhir came by and she quickly examined me. She explained that because my ovaries have produced so much this time, it is normal to be a little more sore than I have been in the past. She wants me to take it easy and rest with plenty of water. She and Dr. Sudhir stayed and talked with me for well over an hour. In fact, I lost track of time, I was enjoying myself so much as I sat on my bed with my new friends and felt guilty for keeping them from their families for so long when I realized how late it was. It was so nice to be so well cared for on a medical front and beyond that, to have company while Bob is gone.

I don't mean to sound like a commercial, but I just have to voice how warm, understanding and careful of my well being Dr. Sudhir and Dr. Yashodhora are. I am amazed and astounded at the friends I have found in them, let alone the feeling of safety in my care and the care of my surrogate.

Rhonda and Gerry, a couple who has used Surrogacy India, showered their praises on how wonderful these doctors are. I'll be honest and say that my inner demon had a bit of an inner monologue with me about trusting so much. "It's their first time doing IVF, let alone surrogacy, therefore any doctor will seem wonderful to them" my demon said, "maybe they are too trusting or a little naive in the belief that a doctor could be so caring; be careful, Lisa." Well, my inner demon passed away quietly tonight as I laughed and chatted. You were completely and totally right, Rhonda. I am sorry if I ever, even just a little bit, doubted you and Gerry!

Fingers crossed, everyone! Tomorrow morning is transfer... Since only one person can go in with the surrogate for transfer, we decided Bob should take his time coming back from Pune. I am so excited about this transfer, for the first time in a long time. My heart is definitely in this cycle, as hard as I tried to stay detached. You know what? Cross your legs, too!